excited

Hey, I just got this job in Taiwan.
And this is crazy.
But am I excited?
Definitely! (Maybe.)


Everyone keeps asking if I'm excited, and there are two answers to that. Someone recently asked me if I was scared, and there are two answers to that, too.


The first answer to "Are you excited?" is yes. I am so incredibly pumped that I got this job and that I'll be traveling abroad, which is something I have dreamed about for so long, and I don't even care it's not Japan. (Well, sort of. I may have a 1hr layover in Tokyo during my flight to Taiwan and the very thought makes me want to start dancing. Because holy cow, you guys, Tokyo.)


The second answer to "Are you excited?" is "Yeah," with an expression of either perplexity at my own response or moroseness. Because I am excited, but the feeling has been compartmentalized and stored somewhere that it won't get in the way of making "To Do" lists, remembering to call the Taipei Representative Office, scheduling doctor appointments, figuring out who has the legal rights to sell my car, closing the door on my would-be summer apartment, and a whole lot of other stuff.


On the flip side, the first answer to "Are you scared?" is yes, I am. I don't speak a word of Mandarin. I know next to nothing about the food, the culture, the people, any of it. I have never taught English in my life, and I am not a person who deals well with her own mistakes. I'll be fine in the end, I know, but the learning curve period? Hate it. I don't like that months-long period it takes to get your footing and finally, finally, feel absolutely sure you know what you're doing. So I'm not looking forward to that at all.


The second answer to "Are you scared?" is, yes, but it's not a bad thing. It's a smart kind of fear, the kind that keeps me making "To Do" lists and calling my insurance provider with questions and doing everything I can to ensure this goes smoothly, which is the best thing I can be doing right now. Plus, getting so much accomplished makes me feel competent and capable in the long run.


So there are many answers, and they melt together. I was excited when I first got the job. Then I was terrified because I realized I was going away for a whole year and had a million things to accomplish in three weeks. Now I'm zen about the whole thing, having digested the notion, gotten used to it, and accepted it as a fact of life. I am going to Taiwan. Over three weeks' time I will prepare everything I need to in order to make this transition as successful as possible. Once I'm there I'll be scared and excited, and in some weeks or months I'll have excruciating homesickness, but I'll stick it out, and work hard, and it'll all be okay.


So yes, I am excited, and yes, I am scared, but since I am not in Taiwan quite yet, for now I'm just focused on getting there, and worrying or rejoicing about it all when it comes.