thanks for absolutely nothing

I'm gonna put it right out there and say that the last year has been, for the most part, more stressful than not.

I'm also going to admit that a lot of it likely comes from myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well in all areas of my life: work, friends, family, studies, and hobbies. I don't want to just do decently at my job: I want to make an impact. I don't just want my friends to like me; I want to be a steadfast and healthy presence in their lives. I don't want to just be a member of my family, I want to be a caring, considerate, dependable member of my family. I don't want to just live in Japan; I want to learn Japanese to a near fluent level, and absorb all the Japanese learning I possibly can while I'm here. I don't just want to stay healthy; I want to be noticeably fit. I don't want to just write in my free time; I want to publish a novel. (Hell, at this point, I'd settle for finishing a goddamn story.)

I put a hell of a lot of pressure on myself to do these things, because achieving these goals are insanely important to me. I want to matter.

What wears me down over time is that I have fought for every little bit of confidence and self-esteem I possess, and my grip on them fluctuates between definitive and fragile. Striving for these kinds of goals takes a hell of a lot of tenacity, which is the only thing I have that does not wane. Tenacity is the only reason I make it out of bed (or the shower) and into work some mornings. It's probably the most Japanese thing about me. I'll be exhausted, frustrated, angry, hurt, and hungry, but you will not see a single damn bit of it until I've decided you can. If there's one thing I've got, it's self-control.

I've been exceedingly lonely this whole year. From day one, I've had people forget about me, get mad at me for not hanging out with them enough, and guilt-trip me for not socializing in the same way they were. My Japanese co-workers are wonderful, but I can't speak to them on a deep, emotional level (which, as an introvert, I crave) because we don't have enough common words between us. I just had to break it off with a friend because they couldn't seem to understand that rather than being supportive or helpful, they were essentially telling me that I wasn't giving enough of myself to them.

When I hang out with people, I don't want to "give" of myself. A healthy friendship won't feel like an obligation or a chore. It'll be refreshing. It'll be revitalizing. And when you're introverted and stressed out almost continuously, it's really hard to find and make new friends because you have to keep putting yourself out there when you've none left to give. Worse, you might end up friends with someone who eventually reveals themselves to be petty and passive-aggressive, or selfish and uninterested in any perspective of life but their own. And then it's another chunk of energy you still don't have cutting them out, and dealing with any bullshit fallout that might come your way as a result. Because really, the only reason you're not friends with that person anymore is because you didn't try hard enough to be a social, understanding person. Everyone else likes that person, why don't you?

So after a year in Japan, I'm trying to move to a bigger apartment, when I still don't have enough solid friends to even throw a house-warming party.

I'm just so tired.