things that actually just happened

I just bought my ticket from Taipei to Columbus Ohio and I'm freaking out about it a little.

'Scuse my cursing but holy shit. I have been in Taiwan for almost a whole year. July 6th will be the one year mark for my time in Taiwan. I remember getting here. I remember dying in the heat, getting sick from waffles, getting blisters from shoes, being overwhelmed by the Chinese everywhere, baffled by all the new systems, assaulted by the culture.

I remember my first days here. I remember the first nightmarket I visited. I remember seeing my apartment for the first time. I remember buying bedsheets and going places with friends while having no idea of where I actually was. I remember being terrified of getting lost. I remember everything being an enormous tornado of new things that I couldn't sort out.

It is the weirdest thing to visit the Guting MRT station area, which is where I stayed and had training for SHANE in my first month. I remember that place when it was confusion central, and to have that memory overlaid with my knowledge of the area now is surreal.

I remember feeling like the year was going on forever. I remember winter being a time of frustration and cold that I thought I'd never get out of. I remember feeling like finishing this year was an unachievable thing, and now it's nearly done.

What will I do when I go back? What will be comforting? What will be shocking? I'm expecting reverse culture-shock but I don't know from what. (Probably all the English everywhere, I've gotten used to Chinese being the background noise.)

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster that's hurtling toward the end.

I'm going to cry when I leave. I'm going to miss this place so much. I'm going to miss this part of my life so much. I'm going to miss the city and the nightmarkets and the cute cafes crammed together along cute streets. I'm going to miss the people I met here, all the friends I've made. I'm going to miss the city itself. I'm going to miss always having things going on that I don't understand, things that are new and different and challenging to my world.

I haven't yet secured a job in Japan and although I'm certain I will, the fact that I haven't yet still scares me, because I have so loved this thrilling part of my life, and if I cannot get back on this rollercoaster, I will be absolutely miserable. I am not ready to stop travelling. I am not ready to relax. I'm ready to go home, but I am not ready to stay home.

I will be happy to see my friends, and my family. I'm looking forward to buying jeans that fit. I'm looking forward to cooking my meals again, eating foods that have been with me since childhood. I'm looking forward to cleaning out my childhood room, selling or donating or throwing out all the things that I've been without for a year and, quite obviously, have not needed.

I am going to miss Taiwan, so much. I am so glad I came here. I am so glad there wasn't a place for me in Japan yet. I'm so glad I came to a country that, before now, was barely on my radar, and now it has left a permanent mark on me. It means so much to me now.

One month until takeoff. Let the final preparations begin.