I can't sleep, and I haven't been able to (well) for the last few nights, and my days have been spent somewhat strung out and tired and headache-y and completely losing my appetite (and shouldn't that have been a tip-off, I haven't eaten much in three days).
What I realized is that, with about four months left in my Taiwan contract, I am terrified--paralyzingly so--of not finding a job in Japan and having to a) go back to the States and find some other alternative, b) stay in Taiwan (at a new job, ain't staying at this school with this boss), or c) find a new country to move to.
The fact is, after moving to Taiwan, after escaping what was, to me, a hellish nightmare and sure-deathbed-regret of a potential life in the States, I cannot go back to that. I can't not have my dream of living in Japan. I can't do anything else and not just... suffer a little bit. I cannot do anything else with my life until I have not just been to Japan but lived there. I need to do laundry and buy groceries and complain about high phone bills and deal with ordinary people problems in Japan or my life is incomplete. I have been working for this goal, of living the domestic life halfway around the world for over a year, and if I do not get that now, I might. Just. Die.
I mean, I'll survive, but right now at 1am it sure feels like it'll be death.
No reassurances needed, btw. This'll happen or it won't, people believing in me won't make it happen (this isn't an anime, after all), but I need to put this out there. This is where I am right now. I am going to be in "Japan. Now. Or. Else." mode for about three months.
It is going to happen. I need it to, and if I can make this country-hopping thing happen once, I can damn well do it again.
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