anxiety

I'm doing an experiment.

Last September/October, my anxiety kicked into high gear. Like, really high gear. Now, maybe it was the culture shock sinking in, maybe it was the return to school after summer break combined with the much colder (and darker, and more miserable) season. But. 

September/October 2014 is also when I stopped jogging as a form of exercise, because it was getting cold out and I didn't want to spring money for a gym membership. (Still don't.)

Bike by my apartment
complex in Taiwan.

But exercise is supposed to be good for combating anxiety. It has the side effect of making me hungry, so even on bad days where I get so anxious that eating is a chore and food taste like dirt, I crave real food and end up devouring it.




I've been doing Pilates, but Pilates involves a lot of mental work. Keeping a stance, changing exercise moves, focusing on form, that kind of thing. Whereas jogging is mindless; do the same motion continuously, for as long as you want.

Taipei's streets, where I often jogged at night.

Today, I went jogging for the first time in a year. It didn't solve everything, but I came home and ate, and I feel like I'm not so overwhelmed with emotions that I can't feel them. I still feel awful, terrified about tomorrow, but I can feel it. I'm not shutting it down because feeling it would mean being too overwhelmed to function.

I'm also, if we'll notice, writing in my blog again.

Monotonous exercise is like meditation, but with entertainment. The scenery changes. I listen to music. I get to be in my own head, but the world is still moving around me. It's safe, like being at Starbucks, out in the world without the pressure of having to smile and laugh and directly interact with it.

Even cities are quiet at night.
There's anonymity in darkness.

However, my shoes are about two years old (I bought them in Taiwan) so I didn't get very far this evening before my knees said, "Nope," and I spent the rest of my time walking. I'll have to buy fresh running shoes before I can get serious. But it felt good to feel powerful, even for a bit. My mind is a prison, but my body has always been capable and strong. I've always felt that while my mind can handle very little, my body constantly shocks me with how far it can go. After an average day at work, my mind wants to tap out and take a day (or five) off. After a long run, or a swim, or a workout at Pilates, my body has always said, "I can do more!"

Between my body and my mind, I'm glad at least one of us is always full of effortless strength. I need my body to carry my mind through when things like driving and calling people on the phone and deciding on what shirt is socially acceptable to wear to the grocery store tire me out. I'm constantly overwhelmed by the sheer possibility of catastrophe, be it a car crash or burning my apartment down or offending my co-workers by not saying "Ohayo gozaimasu!" loud enough or to the right people in the morning. My mind has never been able to shut off.

The shrine in my old neighborhood in Japan.

I think I felt better, though, when I was routinely going out for a jog.

So I've bought sweatpants, and legwarmers. I have my Under Armour winter shirt and gloves. I have a hat. I'll buy new shoes as soon as I can. And at least twice a week, I'll try to make myself go out in the mornings or evenings and run.

I always did it for the health of my body, but I'm starting to think the real benefit was for my mind.

Anxiety sucks. But I'm hoping that jogging again will make it suck a bit less.